Me and the Ancient Mayans

Twenty-twelve, it just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And it’s finally here, the international year of alliteration and the Chinese year of the dragon. I recently did a ‘who do you think you are?’ type of test, that was mostly fictional, and discovered that I have Mayan ancestry, so in honour of my ancestors I am going to look at the stars, the entrails of snails and some tea leaves and make some vague predictions for the coming year.

The US presidential elections will throw up a surprise, with a gun crazed, conservative, evangelical Christian – who believes the world was created in 1954 to coincide with the rise of Elvis Presley – elected to the position of the second most powerful figure on Earth (after Verinder Sehwag). California will leave the Union in embarrassment.

England will win their first Test series in the sub-continent (with the exception of Bangladesh) since 2001. Perhaps not.

The opening ceremony of the Olympic Games will be a huge cringe-fest, featuring dance troupe ‘Diversity’ dancing on top of red double-decker buses. The small annoying one will accidentally be thrown off to be run over by a Mini display team, to huge cheers from the crowd.

Another cricketer will be arrested for spot-fixing, to which former Australia captain Ricky Ponting will announce, ‘I can’t understand why anyone would cheat in order to lose, we only cheat in order to win.’ He is dropped shortly after this.

England will have a good summer in Test matches, but a woeful one in one days, the same old people will talk about the same old problem of too much cricket being scheduled.

The Cavendish Cavaliers will have a record-breaking season, drink lots of beer and have lots of fun.

California will declare allegiance the Chinese government, increasing tensions between the US and China. Everyone will start to panic about an imminent war, but then, in December the world ends, so none of it really matters.

Best off just having a really good final year alive aren’t we?

Happy (slightly old now) New Year!