The Laws of Tea

Tea is a very important aspect of cricket. For those of you who don’t know, ‘cricket’ is the name for the time immediately before and immediately after tea. We, the Cavendish Cavaliers, are very proud of our tea and our award winning tea lady, Kevin Johns. Teas vary considerably from club to club and can range from a few damp sandwiches to an elegant buffet. Shaldon, one of our regular oppositions, provide a fantastic tea and we attempted to return the favour when we entertained them at Babbacombe this season, with much success.

Tea is very serious business, those clubs that do not take tea seriously are unlikely to get return visits. It is not just the Cavaliers who take tea so seriously, like the game of cricket, tea is governed by a variety of complex and at times baffling laws, which I just made up, a sample of which are included here, for your entertainment.

The rules of tea:

Law 1.1. The tea will be ready when the teams arrive at the pavilion for tea.
Law 1.2. A short wait for tea is acceptable in the event of a surprise batting collapse which leads to a premature end of the first innings.

Law 7.1 The away team will help themselves to tea first.
Law 7.2. The home team hospitality team will not bring the best food out after the away team have already helped themselves.

Law 9.1. Not too much spread on the sandwiches, please.
Law 9.2. If there is too much spread on the sandwiches a member of the home team is to cry out ‘Who made these?’ and complain about the spread. The individual responsible for the excessive spread is then ‘out’ until further notice.
Law 9.3. If a member of the away team cries out ‘Who made these?’ they will be considered rude and will be ‘out’ until further notice.

Law 19.3. There must always be sausage rolls.
Law 19.4. And scotch eggs.
Law 19.5. And cake.
Law 19.6. Lots and lots of cake.

Law 24.1. Cream then jam.
Law 24.2. This law is often broken in Cornwall and other, less civilised, counties and is unfortunately falling out of use.

Law 29.4. If there is chicken, there must be serviettes.

Law 34.1. All players are to, at least pretend to, drink at least one drink other than alcohol during tea. This exists to give some vague impression of taking the game at least slightly seriously.
Law 34.2. The previous law may be broken if it is someone’s birthday.

Jon


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